NCTW (6)

Of course with couple's negative patterns for communication we find ways to provide practicals for constructive and healthy communication techniques that hopefully will be practiced in order to help the couple to decrease high levels of conflicts and strengthen their commitment. But we also understand that it is important to address "weeds" in a marriage that have not been addressed and dealt with or have been exposed but the couple is unable to maturely identify the problem and a solution.

Hidden Issues

• Control and power- Who is in charge and do you feel controlled?
• Caring-Do you feel loved and cared for?
• Recognition-Do you feel valued for who you are and what you do?
• Integrity-Do you feel challenged or dismayed in how you see yourself?
• Commitment-Do you feel insecure about your marriage? Do you wonder if your partner will stay with you?
• Acceptance-Do you have a desire for acceptance and a fear of rejection? (This is the parent of all hidden issues).

Hope

• Divorce old patterns rather than one's partner.
• Step outside of the emotional logic of problem patterns.
• Create pleasure even when still in pain.
• Ask yourself,"what would you rather keep or increase?"
• Help couple move from a perception of head-to-head to side-to-side with their problems.
• Reframe: differences as strengths, a binocular vision.
• Reframe: crisis=danger+opportunity. Opportunity is always present in crisis.
• Reframe: growth comes from conflict! Ask yourself, "what psychological or emotional question might you be trying to answer by choosing your partner?