NCTW (6)

>> Saturday, January 30, 2010

Of course with couple's negative patterns for communication we find ways to provide practicals for constructive and healthy communication techniques that hopefully will be practiced in order to help the couple to decrease high levels of conflicts and strengthen their commitment. But we also understand that it is important to address "weeds" in a marriage that have not been addressed and dealt with or have been exposed but the couple is unable to maturely identify the problem and a solution.

Hidden Issues

  • Control and power- Who is in charge and do you feel controlled?
  • Caring-Do you feel loved and cared for?
  • Recognition-Do you feel valued for who you are and what you do?
  • Integrity-Do you feel challenged or dismayed in how you see yourself?
  • Commitment-Do you feel insecure about your marriage? Do you wonder if your partner will stay with you?
  • Acceptance-Do you have a desire for acceptance and a fear of rejection? (This is the parent of all hidden issues).
  • Divorce old patterns rather than one's partner.
  • Step outside of the emotional logic of problem patterns.
  • Create pleasure even when still in pain.
  • Ask yourself,"what would you rather keep or increase?"
  • Help couple move from a perception of head-to-head to side-to-side with their problems.
  • Reframe: differences as strengths, a binocular vision.
  • Reframe: crisis=danger+opportunity. Opportunity is always present in crisis.
  • Reframe: growth comes from conflict! Ask yourself, "what psychological or emotional question might you be trying to answer by choosing your partner?


Tom Bailey January 31, 2010 at 10:43 AM  

Those hidden issues are not easy areas to take on or even admit. (thats why they are hidden right? haha)

I think it is the extent those things color the relationship that are key - this is coming from someone that has never been married.

My favorite part of what you said "growth comes from conflict"

What you just shared could be the structure for a book on nearly every one of those issues.

Tom Bailey

The Adviser February 5, 2010 at 10:27 PM  

Tom, as busy as you are thank you for commenting on my blog site. It's true that hidden issues are hard to admit and sometimes to even recognize. Unfortunately, I can't take the credit for the phrase, but a book sounds very good. Thanks:)