Notes from Couple's Toolbox Workshop (1)

>> Monday, January 25, 2010

The Training was very good. It was mostly for those interested in helping other couples but also a learning platform for your own marriage. The opening question was how can I help this couple to lower risks and raise protective factors.


  • Couples usually have angry interchanges which are hard to overcome and hard to have fun. they would rather "clear the deck" first before having fun but by then it is too late.
  • Helping them to take a chance on having fun, on opening their heart, can be scary, but safe fun is part of raising the protection levels.
  • Sometimes couples develop a "Desert in a marriage and what they need is an Oasis"-Dr. Fraenkel.
  • Research states it is the negative patterns in a marriage that destroys the marriage. Creating positive moments counter act negative patterns. It is said that for every negative criticism you should have at least five positive things to say about/to your spouse. Dr Fraenkel believes it actually takes one criticism to destroy all the positive ones. This is because we are wired for detecting danger. Freud called it "signal danger". He gave an example of a man who felt he could say whatever nasty remarks he wanted to his wife. Yet he was shocked when his daughters spoke so disrespectfully to him. He did not tie together that they were modeling him and how negative behavior had impacted his family.