Jealousy 3

>> Thursday, July 15, 2010

Are you a jealous person by nature? It is hard to believe that there are people in the world who do not get jealous. My husband is one of them. He says, "I don't get jealous, maybe insecure." He refuses to face the fact that everyone gets jealous. That's like saying I don't get mad or sad. Ridiculous isn't it? How many wars have been fought over a jealous lover? It's a strong and powerful motivator.

The major motivator to jealousy is "exclusivity". This factor, applies to outside attractions as your spouse should have "eyes" for you alone. Exclusivity applies to in-laws as well, for fear of their powerful control. The idea that they could make a gesture and your spouse second guess you or possibly take sides can me traumatic. Even a friendship from the past, who has had history with your significant other, sets off alarms for unwanted division or competition for their attention. Which of course you are spoiled, expecting not all, but 90% of their attention :)

If you have children, it is weaved in to this scenario as well. One partner allows their "falling in love with child syndrome" to push out the other partner. You feel you have been replaced and this phenomenon can be experienced by either parent. You are no longer exclusive. This is the shift in paradigm. All examples can be a shock to the system as we are creatures of habit and comfort. When either is threatened we become infuriated. Now of course you may also want to include a pet, a car, a job, or a laptop/desktop into this equation.

I have no magical answers. I only know that exclusivity is not a constant. The honeymoon stage is a special time that sets a foundation for all else to come. Sadly you may not get it back. From what I have learned through watching and counseling other couples, is that there is only seasons and transformations, which is what keeps life breathing in a marriage and family. Everyone gets their round of attention and then with the increase of commitment, other characteristics are and must be built. Jealousy is the protector of a union but shouldn't be built so much that either partner can't get out. In any case all relationships should have a door to their castle, for the freedom to come and go. Once gone they will always want to come back.