"I want you to love it"

Hi everyone. Welcome to my new blog. It was time for a change. I decided to get new decor and went blog hopping one day. That's how I found Natalie (Natty Sue). She emailed me right away and asked what I would like? It was important to have something bright but also true to the concept of couple's. Sophisticated with a hint of fun. I visited her site and loved her snowflakes which I called "circle things" at first. (Embarrasing when you're trying to work professionally). She is such a nice person. Whatever I wanted she made several samples and asked me to choose, always with, "I want you to love it". "If these are not to your liking, I can go back and create some more."

When she sent the last draft, after putting each peice together, I thought, "too busy!" I had to many ideas but she let me figure it out and did not interject her ideas. I loved that because it is not easy working with people, especially when you do not know them. I might have said, "Listen. this is what you asked for, get it together. Ten times is my cut off." (Just playing). After tweeking it and coming up with the final draft which is this one, except my "circle things" (snowflakes) were all white on a gray background. I showed my husband who did his signiture gesture when he is impresessed (a quick head jerk back simoultaneously closing his eyes and then opening his eyes wide); followed by, "niiice".

I liked it too but something was missing. I closed the file and then openned it agian. That's when it came to me. The snowflakes needed some color. Natalie went back to the drawing board once more and when it came back again she said, "Let me know what you think, I want you to love it." No more needs to be said. I love my new decor and the truth is I want you to love it-also. Please check out Natalie's Button and visit again. You're always welcome.

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Good Parenting in the Arts Industry

My husband couldn't leave early yesterday so I took the boys to see Karate kid by myself. They were so eager to go. I couldn't stop hearing, "When are we going?" How about tomorrow or right now?" We went after school and caught the 4:00 showing. I had seen this movie as a kid. Do you remember-"Wax on, wax off"? Well this time it is "Put your jacket on.Take your jacket off". My little boy cried at the underlying theme of the underdog but they both raved at his heroism.

I must say I love this stage when they can sit through a movie and have their own opinions, even being so intellectual about it. They came out of the theater kicking and chopping. Then I had to apologies to a man walking down the street who said let me guess. They saw Karate Kid? There was also the song at the end that they kept singing and when we came home I couldn't stop playing it. If you have a pre-teen or teenager you will know this new artist who really appeases the young children - Justin Bieber. He features Jaden Smith on the debut song for the movie "Never Say Never". I must admit Smith Jr. did a great job which is the reason for me wanting to do this post.

With all the young stars in Hollywood who have grown up and are struggling in life, in hindsight I can see that the issue was good parenting. It makes me wonder what kind of role they serve or how were they supportive as these stars have so many personal issues as adults. Jada and Will Smith have been so influential and molding their son every step of his career once he decided to join the business. I am sure there are many other supportive parents but we do not hear about them. You can tell Jaden will go far as he is making films and music just like his parents with a very positive spin. This will be great if the new and upcoming artist for the new generation got back to making clean music and films that mean something.

I have posted the new song from this inspirational movie for both children and adults. "Never Say Never". Enjoy.

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Who knew? He was listening.

I was able to get away this weekend with my family and I had a wonderful time. I went to a family wedding in Virginia but not before sight seeing and swimming in the pool at the hotel. My boys just love hotels. We usually stay at a regular one as we love it so much. So much so my youngest one calls it the other house. When he hears we are going to Virginia, he runs to his room and gets his card key and blanket.

This time we couldn't afford to stay at our luxury hotel so we got a discount from a family member and stayed a nice one, just not as elegant. Now during the wedding, the boys were well behaved and I didn't have to speak to them too many times. The little one enjoyed running after his older girl cousin and forgot all about me and the oldest one seemed not to want to be bothered with all the other children running around, even if some of them were a bit older. So he sat with me for a while interupting as they do when you are trying to have a decent conversation.

He laid in my lap as it was past his bed time. He stated he felt sleepy and proceeded to get comfy as he pulled two chairs over for his legs and hip to rest on. My husband's aunt who was sitting next to me mentioned the boys seem so close to me. I stated this has not always been the case as I told her the famous story on this topic. I proceeded, "when he was three years old he fell down and hurt his knee. Both my husband and myself reached out our hands. He looked at me then my husband, then me and finally looked at my husband simultaneously yelling, "Daddy" in tears. From that point on I knew something was nontraditional here.

I told her I was making money for a children's organization in Brooklyn but lived two hours away. My husband begged me to leave the job as he had the boys to himself until 9pm at night. I said I would find a new job and I really had good intentions but after a year of them falling asleep and him bringing them home with their bags I said I have done enough damage and took a job recommended by my husband that was closer. It was at the same organization and doing work I hated as well as having no experience to do the job. I thought I would be fired that first month but turns out I learned a new skill.

Back to the story. Little did I know my son was listening to every word I said. He interupted and said, "I was close to him because he was alone. Daddy was always alone." I tell you, at that moment I felt many thing. Honestly embarrasement was last. I did say to his aunt, "see he has confirmed it". I was really surprised that he remembered. That he had a reason and that he had compassion on his father. I also learned from his statement that we do not realize long hours away as a parent has an effect on our children. I was also blown away by the maturity of his statement. At 7 years old he is able to articulate his feeling from reviewing his past. That in hindsight he could give me a reason to what it was like for him at three, four years old.

I am still amazed at his insight. I also came to the realization, again, for how much of a good father my husband is. Boy am I glad that hasn't changed. He is still in there with his sons. Well it turns out that my post has become a post in honor of Father's Day which I did not plan on. I'll leave you with this; when children are silent they are reflecting. Try to find out what they are thinking. Be careful they are really highly intelligent and you have to be willing to handle their concerns and statements with care . I have since apologized to my sons and have heard, "Mom you are my best friend." I will continue to run with this idea for upcoming posts as Father's day is next Sunday, June 20, 2010. As always thanks for listening.

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NPNS-Part 2

During the workshop, helpful tips were given to bridge the gap between post-Boomers/modern parenting/friendship with children vs. helpful parenting skills from the Baby Boomer era.

Tips:
1. Parents increase your authority to make a better mix between a "friendship with child model" and solely "parenting model". Recent studies have shown when parents increase authority children increase communication with parents. This may not have worked a generation ago but it works now. It is projected that kids today want rituals, consistency and ground rules. They need it and want it as it expresses love and caring. The therapist speaker said, "Do not be afraid to say no and mean it. Do not be afraid of loosing them."
2. When doing time out for younger children realize that time outs have changed from the original definition. It has now become about the silent treatment and disconnecting rather than connecting and giving reason to the discipline.
3. New generation needs responsibility and accountability. Ex. A woman took her young child of three years old, to a late meeting and the child started becoming cranky, even crying after 9pm. The mother said in front of everyone, "Maggie, find your limits". The therapist who was not on duty at the time stated, you should take her home as she is exhausted. It did not dawn on the mother that her child should be home at that time and blamed the child for not having self control at that hour of night. The therapist stated she wanted to tell the mother to find her own limits.
4. Provide Collaboration, Co-regulation, Praise, Support and Confidentiality when working with the modern families or post-boomers. Repairing the families of the 21st century makes for innovative invention. Ex. A father and son had a disagreement. The son slammed his door and stayed in his room not wanting to talk to his lack of understanding father. The father then took out his cell phone and text his son. The son text back. They went back and forth until the son came out of his room and the dad was in front of the door. Eventually, little by little they were texting each other while standing in front of each other. They became resolved.
5. Did you know that research also shows the more praise you give to children, the less they do? When giving praise be sure to praise them for their efforts. This is more productive than to praise them because they are just wonderful. It is a powerful thing when they go against their hard wiring. Ex. a shy kid joins a group or a spirited child does a kind deed. This is when they should be acknowledged.

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Notes from Psychotherapy Networker Symposium

So you know I like to present you with the latest information on family, marriages and children. I attend all sorts of workshops and review a few great books here and there. Well as promised I went to a Psychotherapy Networker workshop at the ending of March '10. It was a three day weekend event. It was being held in DC and I was able to get in for free as my dear former Professor in Family Counseling added me and a few others on a get in free list. I won't tell you the price for the workshop as it was quite a steep fee. Now the notes to the workshop for the section on The New American Family is what I will be posting here. Hopefully it will all make sense and I hope you find something interesting within the notes. Notes were taken from two Psychotherapists (one male, one female) who have their own private practice and made observations, over time, based on their patients and families presenting problems.

The New American Family

*We are feeling more isolated. What we present publically is not who we are in private. We do not get the help we need. Instead we are in an age of videos and Facebook yet still feel lonely. There is a reason why we are shifting. It is a new paradigm. The shift is between how we were raised and how our children are raised.

*The generation of the Boomers is near over. In Boomer generation there were clear distinctions of roles. There was hierarchy. There was also a behind the curtain abuse as well. We are now moving into a better period for Post-Boomers.

*Post-Boomer Paradox-In the mid 90's, there was a different breed of casual sexual behavior with rebelliousness. Oral and Anal sex was not considered "actual sex". The definition of focus was to be able to do your homework in 45 minutes. There was a different sensibility without the hierarchy. These late 90's kids came to to the mental health professionals with their parents as "fellow travelers". There are no hierarchy of roles. Examples-both parent and child grew up on the web. A daughter who was grounded called the police on her father. A son called ACS on his parents because he could not go to a mid week concert. A daughter and mother was selling marijuana. The daughter was stealing the profits so the mother asked the psychologist what she should do. The Psychologist said poignantly, "Stealing is illegal. You should call the police".

-Part two of Notes from Psychotherapy Networker Symposium (NPNS) will be presented at the next posting.

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