The 6 Factors

>> Friday, March 05, 2010

My co-worker brought up a very good point yesterday that led me to a similar concept that I had been thinking of for some time. He was explaining what it is like being married to someone very different than him in character. He was trying to find the right words for both temperament (innate development) and character differences (learned behavior). Both can prevent a couple from seeing eye to eye, experiencing connectivity and/or being at the same level of communication.

Every couple makes attempts to connect to each other on so many different levels. Usually the most common is breaking through the barrier of differences as male/female. There are so many books written on the Mars/Venus concept. Being different from your spouse is not just about making attempts to connect as husband and wife. There are so many other aspects at play. How many of us have relatives of the same sex and we find it difficult to get along with them. There is a clear role as family but find it difficult at times to bond. So It's not just about the gender of the person being opposite to us.

Gender differences,Temperament and Characteristic of a person are three factors but there are more barriers to marital bliss. Culture is another factor. In the stage of courtship, your love is so strong for the other person, no one can hinder you from even considering the effects of culture on you beautiful relationship. If anything, just a slight mention of anything perceived as negative by an outside person or loved one and that person is shunned. It is not until well into the relationship does one become sober about each individual differences in culture. Ex. "this is how my culture or parents saw raising the children." "This is how I think the situation should be handled." "Just because your parents did it that way does not mean it is set it in stone." "Growing up, this is how we did things, it is my custom." These examples may not sound too intense until the realization of your methods being in complete opposition.

The forth is factor is Age or Birth order. They are not the same but similar. Age has similar barriers as Culture but Birth Order adds another dynamic. This is where my coworker was trying to explain his interactions between him and his wife. Birth Order in relation to how one grows up can cause the most friction between you and your spouse. If he is the oldest child, there is a certain role you step into; sometimes gradually and sometimes at once, as was with my coworker. His wife is younger and is the youngest of her siblings (I believe). It appears everything was made easy for her as she did not have too much responsibilities. Together they have separate ideas for how things should be done for their family. Birth order as the fourth factors, shape your personality.

The fifth factor for preventing closeness and connectivity in ones marriage is Intimacy in the bedroom. Men and women should not be generalized on sexual behavior. Your spouse is an individual and is different than any other man or woman. Your spouse should not have to read your mind to know what you like. It is true that you will discover more likes as you continue perfecting this area of your life. But even then your spouse should be made aware of it.

The last factor is Spirituality. There should be something you stand for and believe in. You should also be open and respectful to your spouse for what they believe in as well. This is another topic we toss under the rug because we are soooo in luv. Then when you get married you had no idea how important this topic is. This should always be covered in some sort of "talk" even before the engagement. It should go along with health status, any abuse, prior marriages, past habits, etc. This is solely my opinion based on hundreds of couples I have encountered. There should be no surprises when one is married. Especially when you have to work through the factors I have just presented.

The 6 factors can be worked through. They definitely make life interesting. Some, you will perfect and some you will probably continue working on them as though you are making no progress. It will take a lot of sacrificing and giving in before things get better. This includes your spouse as well. Anger will even fly in sparks and maybe even flames for the friction that some of these will cause. We will discuss them over the rest of this Month. I will even put in some sited research for those of you who want to see more than just opinion. Feel free to share yours.


Urban Napps March 11, 2010 at 3:57 PM  

I'm not not married yet but I like this post. Great advice! I'm having problems with the 4th factor: I have a 8 year difference with my fiancee and we are both the oldest child. This sometimes creates conflicts. He steps into the role of the older brother, and I hate it. But we're working on it:)

The Adviser March 15, 2010 at 10:50 PM  

Thanks for your comment Miss Bamba. Two older siblings you say. I foresee a responsible household and much productivity. Partners in the role of eldest do experience the conflict that you have described. Especially when he assumes the older role you become the younger which you are not accustomed to. With an eight year difference there really is much you can learn from him. Remember that he complements you so use the strengths of your relationship. He is older and I assume (maybe not wiser but ahead of you in some experiences). That's a good thing.

As for him speaking to you as your older brother. I could imagine it's like when a wife speaks to her husband as though she is the mother. Horrid!
I like that you are both at the fresh start mark. This is prime time to practice up front communication. Before you do, figure out if it is his tone of voice, if you do not feel respected, if it reminds you of an experience, maybe you do not want advice but for him to just listen. This way you are clear on what it is you would like him to change. Do not be afraid of any conflict. He loves you and wants to please you.