Unconditional Love-By Lynn Hahn

What Is Unconditional Love

Unconditional love has different meanings to different people. To me it means loving without wanting anything in return. The type of love that is permanent. I love my husband unconditionally. If I didn’t he’s be dead now (just kidding). He and I bump heads often. If I relied on certain conditions we never would have made it as long as we have. We’ve been together for twenty-five years. I love my son unconditionally. He breaks my heart on a regular basis. I shed a tear and on occasion call him a bad name (in my head not out loud) and then can’t wait to see him again. I’ve been raising him for twenty-four years. It never ends. I love my parents and my sister. They are a real pain to put up with. My brother is perfect so no problems there. He’s my older brother and he can do no wrong. I’ve been with them all of my life. I love my furry friends. I have three dogs that throw up easily, get diarrhea if they get one bite of new food and one of them had the nerve to pass away last year the day before Thanks Giving. No warning. The vet could not figure it out. He passed looking into my eyes before we could even get him to the vet. He broke my heart but I still love him and always will.

Unconditional love is real. It’s painful and it’s the most wonderful feeling you can ever experience. That kind of love can rip your heart in two and then make you dance on clouds. If you dare to love unconditionally you cannot be a coward. You must be brave. You must be prepared to forgive quickly and absolutely. It’s an amazing gift that I’m lucky enough to have experienced over and over again. That is the meaning of unconditional love to me.

*Lynn Hahn is a fellow SITS member (The Secret to Success is Support). You can read more about Lynn on her blog: www.getrealfit.blogspot.com and also at www.getrealfit.org

*Lynn, thanks for your contribution!

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Unconditional Love-Love Becomes Conditional (Interview)

I asked a friend of mine for an interview on what it is like to be divorced and friends with your ex-spouse. I realize that a blog on family would not want to discuss divorce, but it is important as transitions to family must be made in the mist of divorce, especially with children. We support "Live Ever After" to be happily ever after but what about the few occasions when it is not, when love directs us and challenges us to move on to real love. This is an interview by my friend who I am thankful she is raw and candid and funny and angry and endearing and sweet and strong, all at the same time.

10/10/10

1. How did you become friends with your ex-husband?
I was friends with my ex, but only really by basically going along with his view of the marriage breakup and buying in to his protestations that he loved me and that I left him devastated. In reality, looking back on it now, that was not really real. Only weeks after we broke up he told me that he had been in love with one of my best friends for NINE years -- which explained why he would sometimes be all over her and at other times just VILE and RUDE to and about her. She was not in love with him and was totally shocked when I told her. Then he said he only said that to hurt me and I allowed him to say that because a part of me wanted to believe him. But I know that he was 'in love' with her or SOMETHING because I had always suspected it anyway all along. Not her fault at all. She is a doll!

Looking back, I see I bent over backwards to believe a lot of stuff that I should not have.

After the breakup he gave me a TINY divorce settlement, and THEN made it even tinier by paying it in dribs and drabs over four years, nearly five. He went CRAZY when I once asked him to up the payments so I could actually use them, even though the advantage for him would have been that he paid me more quickly. He once LOANED a friend $30,000, so he certainly had it. By the way, that friend turned out to be a con artist, who absconded with a pile of money borrowed from a group of people they all new. I was desperately broke and trying to establish myself in a new career, to prove that I could do it. There was no alimony of course. Then he delayed my divorce. It took six years to get it. One day i called to plead with him to get ON with it and got his then girlfriend (who became wife 2) and asked her what he was playing at. She said she asked him the same question all the time. He FINALLY divorced me within a matter of weeks, ONLY after i threatened to get my own lawyer and do it myself. He had asked me once not to get on because he would have to pay the bill and we were civilized people, right? "We" didn't need one, right?

Then he sold our house, that had always been called 'the house i made him buy', for over a million bucks. After our divorce and after he had made me sign over my rights to it, which I did, fondly imagining that he was my 'friend' and would treat me fairly when time came. I asked if he would give me $10k after the sale. Again, he went crazy and said he and his then wife 2 were going to 'give' me 3k just out of kindness. how DARE i think he 'should' give me anything just because he made a 600,000 dollar profit in the housing market boom on the 'house i made him buy'. I took the 3k. to be friends. Because we were civilized people, right?

He also REFUSED for many years to let me take my OWN things out of the house. It was disruptive to him emotionally he said. I went along always with everything. Besides i had no money to have anything shipped to me. I think also that I liked the pretense that my ex loved me and cared about me. But truly, when you think about it, where was the love in any of his behavior? So anyway, he LOST my precious rug that I had had since i was 12 -- a gift from my mother. We just found out a few weeks ago that it is worth 57,000 dollars. Can you imagine someone as broke as I am and how helpful that would be to me now? He has a PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has a swimming pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in a dumpy area and can't afford my rent. But he is now not speaking to me because I dared to be angry and tell him, he lost it and he needs to find it. I didn't even DARE say 'or pay me for it'. Which, by rights, he should have. It was mine for 20 years before we even got married. And he lost it. Plus he sold "cheap" to his friends, all the furniture I couldn't afford to have shipped to me.

During the marriage, in every fight we had, he called me a 'freeloader', even though I WORKED TOO! Except for a six month period. I just didn't earn the same amount of money. Worse than all the above, he told all his friends and mine that he was 'giving me money' after the divorce -- which would be a ref to the so-called settlement paid in dribs and drabs into my overdrawn bank account where it just barely paid off the interest on debts accrued just living day to day.

So the answer to your question, HOW I was his best friend. The long answer is the above. The short answer is 'denial'. I am feeling right now so bitter and angry with him but trying my best to get past it. But it feels good that I don't have to lie to myself anymore.

2.If you are good friends, would you get together again? Why or why not?
This was always an interesting question. He was a control freak during our marriage. He discouraged me from following my dreams -- which in the interests of anonymity I am not putting here, but which I am now living. He did lots of little sabotage things all the time. It was only when I left him that I felt I could really TRY to do these things that I now DO. However, when someone controls and suppresses you all the time, you don't fancy them. So sex was always a bit of an issue. I did not fancy him physically, even though he is nice looking. I think unconsciously it was my last bastion of control. So that is one reason we would never have got back together, even though we were 'friends'. I was repulsed by him on some level. I think it was my unconscious creating a fatal flaw so that we would break up and I could save myself from oblivion. I remember when I left him thinking, if I didn't I would actually die of a broken spirit or something.

Looking back I see that he was mentally abusive. A few years ago his girlfriend of nine years (who he had lived with before me and who, by the way, for some reason he has kept secret from his two subsequent wives) was in town and called to invite me for dinner. Before we had even sat down she said "I have been dying to have this lunch for 20 years!" Although we both were still 'friends' with him, we agreed that he was abusive and a control freak. He did this also with Wife 2, who (not uncoincidentally) left him within two weeks of he and her and I all having lunch together. She wrote me a sweet email later about how i was 'a lovely woman' now that she had met me. Weeks later she had left him! I think she saw for herself who I really was, and recognized why I had left, because she was experiencing the same things. Even though we didn't discuss this -- obviously, because he was right there.

And re love I would say that he FELT love (perhaps) but he did not LOVE -- which is to say nurture and take care of me. encourage -- me. I encouraged his writing all the time. I was super supportive. I even nagged him to get on with it. But the SECOND I tried to do my own thing -- something as simple as drawing in the evenings for example, which would drive him crazy -- he would get all angry. He even once told me to 'F--k off!' when i came up with an idea for a comedy skit for some friends who had asked

3.What advice would you give to other women who are divorced?
Seriously. I would say get your own lawyer. A good one. Be fair. Be in integrity. But be fair to YOURSELF too. His second wife, after only five years together, took him to court and got 160,000 bucks PLUS kept the monthly stipend he had been sending her that she never had to repay from the settlement lump sum. They didn't talk for YEARS. But I applauded her secretly for that -- even though i thought that some of that money should have been MINE since it was MY house that helped fund that settlement and since I married him before he had money and encouraged and helped him. Even now he refers to that time as 'providing' for me, as if I didn't provide for him in so many ways. Too many women get divorced and, because they are the ones leaving, feel as if it is their fault and end up destitute. Most women leave for a reason! Don't let some manipulator persuade you that you are wrong because you were the one that walked through the door. They opened it, and they slammed it behind you.

And you can FORGIVE but you should never FORGET, I realize. There's a difference. You are doing yourself a disservice if you bend yourself into the shape of a pretzel in order to stay friends with someone. Thank goodness for my wonderful kind boyfriend of three years. He is everything that my ex husband wishes he really were. Humble, genuinely talented, deep down kind and a person of real integrity. I think being with him is partly why I now see what a raw deal I had before. My ex was witty, and fun, and a good person for friends to confide in. He was also controlling of me, discouraging of me, competitive with me (even my father pointed that out), stingy with me, demoralizing. In intimate relationships (whether best friend or lover), however sweet a person also is, some behaviors are non negotiable. Abuse, whether verbal or physical or both is ALWAYS NON NEGOTIABLE, although, sometimes, with the best manipulators, it can be hard to recognize. Forgiveness to me means moving on from it. In the end. One hopes. Accepting that they did that but here you still are and YOU know what happened. But not to forget means you don't have to stay friends or lie to cover up THEIR crimes. it doesn't reflect badly on YOU for putting up with it. it reflects badly on them.

*Update: My friend has now moved on to the kindhearted man she spoke about. She is now living the dream career she has always wanted but could never have in her first marriage. I have to tell you, she is good at what she now does. I love her and wish her much Happiness and Success (She deserves it)!

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Unconditional Love-Stranger Turns Hero

An 8 year old girl named Elisa, in California, was kidnapped yesterday while playing outside with her friends. The kidnapper and gang member grabbed her and pulled her into his car. He was chased by family and friends but got away. The FBI, Amber alert and local police were on the case and put out a report. It was a stranger and good samaritan that saw the description of the little girl and the kidnapper's car this morning. The good samaritan's name is Victor Perez, a 29 year old construction worker. Victor saw the car on the road and made attempts to talk and stop the car. He said it was not until the second try that the little girl peaked her head out of the window, and Victor said seeing her face made him unafraid and proactive in saving her.

You can read about the account on the Huffington Post website and see an interview hosted by Robin Roberts on an NBC station located here. It is simply amazing what this man did in taking action to save someone he did not know. He even tried a second time when the first time he did not see the girl Elisa and was not completely sure this was the kidnapper. This hero, Victor, even pulled in front of the car to stop the kidnapper's truck. That's when the kidnapper pushed Elisa out. He sped away but police were able to find and arrest him on kidnapping and sexual assault. Victor says little Elisa was trembling and stated she was scared. In his words, from another interview by AOL, Victor says, "I just felt I was doing my part....I just feel like everyone should step up in their own communities and when something like this happens, come together and try to do your part to help out. And you know I just thank God I was put in the right situation to do what I did. Thank the Man above for that." I have shivers just thinking about the fact that there are still real life angels out there. This is simply fantastic. God bless him.

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Unconditional Love-Your Self

As I have been doing these series I realized there is no way I could be near completion until I speak about the love of self. As a counselor by nature and degree, this is the first place to look and check for a foundation that's stable. When you think of who you would like to be, do you think a better you? Do you love or at least like the skin you are in. Are you satisfied with your age, color of your skin, your ethnicity, the color of your hair, your height, the size of your ears and nose? Do you find you say to yourself, "You are so stupid, I am such an idiot, I'm such a looser, why was I born, I am a fat pig?" Do these sound familiar? Did you already add on a few more negative statements?

Do you wish you can change the parents you grew up with? Do you wish you could erase the siblings you have or in the other case, wish you had siblings? Do you wish you were born rich or a different sex? Are you unhappy with your lack of education and the jobs you are confined to? Do you wish you had special talents or had an increase in intelligence? Do you wish you had a better memory? Do you wish you were more tech savvy or a better communicator. Do you wish you could say the right things or be more serious, less immature. Do you wish you could be a better spouse, parent, or daughter/son?

I learned a long time ago, and I teach it to others every chance I have, to be my own best friend. As my own best friend I have learned never to say hateful things to myself. I wouldn't let anyone else do it. Therefore I made it an unbroken contract that I wouldn't be so mean to myself. I value what I say and my thoughts. I encourage myself when I do the right thing and I have a good talk with myself when I could have done better. I believe in myself and regardless of others misunderstanding of me. Who better to know me and my intentions but myself. I welcome input but mine is just as important, that way I do not second guess myself. I reward myself at a restaurant for good grades and allow myself treats for making friends with people who are opposite to me. I love my flaws and that took time. I have learned not everyone has the same opinion and they are free to think differently than you. (And I will be okay). On the other hand, some people really do think like me (I am not crazy), I am not "the only one". Really what would be the odds of that?

I absorb learning and education. I motivate myself to do what I think I can not do and surprise myself every time. I love surprising myself. I take things higher to a new level of accomplishments. I have a calendar of all the things I dream to accomplish and check them off as I go along. I love myself and treat myself with respect. Who else will will do it for me? I impress myself and try new things. Failure is great! I know how to do it the second time around. "I love therefore I am". That's my motto. It doesn't matter who my parents are or how I grew up or who took advantage of me or where I come from or how much money I have or the color of my hair or whatever, I take control and make me, me. I adore my quirks and the things I wish I could change and are unchangeable, I accept and work with it. There is always a way to "work with it". All in all, I am my own best friend. Whatever you would like to hear or however you would like to be treated, by an ultimate best friend, who has unconditional love, be that for yourself. You''ll find that you will go far and great things will happen for you.

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Unconditional Love-My Boys

These are my cool boys who wanted to be like daddy and wear his shades. It's so funny to not see them smiling and trying to take on a serious face. We had so much fun today and took pictures while in the car.


My boys are now five and seven and I was thinking how much I love them and have big dreams for them even when they are goofing off at the wrong time, making loud burps they insist they couldn't hold, fight for first place to the car, bathroom, etc. I just can't get enough of them. Once the oldest said mommy you should become a doctor. Any kind of doctor because you always know what to do and say. (If he only knew). He ignored my excuses. Then he said "just do it mom, you can do it." while pointing his index finger at me. This is the same one who at three years old confided in me like an adult. "Mommy there is a black thing that keeps following me. He won't leave me alone and he only comes out in the sun. It took me some time to figure out what he was talking about, until I realized he was speaking about his shadow. lol.

My youngest is the cuddly romantic. "Mommy are those new shoes? I like them. Mommy did you do your hair? You are so beautiful." He is sooooo good for my self esteem. He is also a true peacemaker. Although he is the youngest, he watches his brother carry on about a toy and how it is unfair, on and on he goes while my youngest at two years of age, would look at him and wait until the right time during the oldest's tantrum, then slowly hand him the toy without even a blink or a tear. Honestly, that would be one of the hardest things for me to do. I would always be so proud of him. Whatever happened? His peacemaking strategy worked after a few trails.

I had so many memories and thoughts today as I watch them interact and took a moment to just absorb them. You know, we think we aren't experts as parents but we are kind of experts of the age they were. And for a whole year you were an expert for that specific age now you're going to be an expert for this new one. I figure, as once you have had a years worth of training for anything you must know a great deal about it. If you have a second child and a third, you get to do some good tweaking of your skills. Now of course you are an expert at that age for your child but can give possible practicals to other parents. My thoughts also led me along this path: I love this current stage that they are in. So inquisitive and your discovering what they are good at and what they don't like. They can be like little lawyers or diplomats on justice and fairness yet become world problem solvers and musicians. The next moment they are kissing on your arm nonstop and speaking about types of bowel movements in public. You just got to love them.

Do you ever think, what did I talk about before my children came along? What did I eat or wear before they came along? Did I even have an identity without them? It seems so long ago. The oldest has a new favorite saying; "Waaait for it". (Totally opposite from the last one, "run like the wind!"). The youngest knows all the words of the commercials on TV. Progressive Auto Insurance, infomercials, and the favorite Swiffer commercial, "Whose that lady?" My mom was able to get them to say "Lovely Lady". Already I love the oldest's fashion sense and being a perfect gentleman, with the youngest wanting to help me cook and drive me around when he gets older. Yep, just when you think life doesn't get better than this. Then they are teenagers and this will most likely all go out the window. I'll have to wait for the hormone storms to pass and hopefully make good on their promises in their twenties. Okay, who am I fooling? They will have girlfriends and careers. Then eventually get married and have their own children, forgeting all about the great things they will do for mommy when they grow up. It will hurt, but does it matter? I will love them anyway.

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Unconditional Love-Young Unconditional Love, ft. JoJo

Do you remember these days when you were so in love as a young woman or man? Do you remember being fickle? This was the person you were destined to marry, soul mates,the universe turned at one glance of them, your world was shaken at the thought of them with someone else. A simple "Hello" from them meant they were in love with you. "See you later" was a pre-req for a date. You continually fussed and stressed over them. Thank God for your support of girl or guy friends. Even with them you were cautious, not say everything or too many positive things as they may want your heart throb or sweetheart for themselves.

Then in the next grade, if you get that far, "Hey why didn't I see this person before." "They are in my science class? No way." "This is the one, baby all I want is you." "What was I thinking before?" "Look how cute they are?" "This is the person for me, for sure, this time." They do no wrong. You don't care if they have money. You're so super trusting and melt at just a touch of them. "We will have a family and live in a mansion." "Wait. Whose that at the other side of the gym." "OMG......."

In 90% of the cases, you never marry who you think you are going to marry. Now you are with the person you are with and probably think I can't believe the person for me is you and in some cases who would have thought we would even have children, in our own version of a mansion
: ) JoJo sums it up for us.

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Unconditional Love-Adoptive Family

The new century family does not necessarily share the same bloodline or the same customs and traditions. They are boundless and colorless. They are motivational and transcending. I found this family online one day while blog hopping. They are an adorable family of nine children! You can read more about Todd and Amy's lives on their blog site called Building the Blocks. Their story is so inspiring to love unconditionally. How enriched are the lives of these children as they have such a wonderful opportunity to grow up in a loving family. That the children have a role model in their parents for a deeper meaning of life; one set by example. And what is more, they are strong advocates for adoption.

Their motto on adoption is a powerful one linked to the family picture: "Sometimes I would like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and injustice in the world, when he could do something about it...but I am afraid he might ask me the same question" -Anonymous. If you are able to adopt, have the desire to love, always wanted to help the less fortunate, then enrich your life today. Start your research on being an adoptive parent. Thank you Todd and Amy and so many others who love unconditionally in this way.

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