The 5 Love Langauges

I was lucky enough to be married around the same time as a group of friends and neighbors. We discovered this book that became part of our own book club. I have since recommended, counseled and given my copy away--on a few occasions. The 5 Love Languages is an insightful and interesting read.

The book has simple spiritual tones to it yet it delivers on bonding relationships through the study of each other (my personal mantra). We all have a language of love. The five principles gives you the opportunity to identify which language (s) is your love language and which language is "spoken" by your spouse.

The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Too many times we assume our love language is the same as our spouse and we wonder why we are not making progress. For example, you may have the Words of Affirmation as your primary language, yet your spouse has expressed or hinted that they like thoughtful gestures such as breakfast in bed or organizing a common area of the home which they enjoy. Most likely, their love language would be Acts of Service.

The more you know about your primary and even secondary language, as well as theirs, the better the chances of improving you marital  bond. Note: The other spouse does not have to read the book for the principles to be effective. You can summarize to your spouse what you are learning and get their input. This may help them to participate and become engaged in conversation.  

To learn more go to The 5 Love Languages.

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My wedding song....

I was blasting this song on the radio this morning because it's "Our Song". I had some memorable songs arranged for my wedding ceremony and reception dinner. This song is special to me as it is the closing song in our wedding ceremony, where I dance down the aisle to exit the church building, followed by my bride's maids and groom's man.Till this day all my friends and family cheerfully remember my ceremony finale.



This is the song that followed after my morning jam, on the car radio. I included it as a oldie and goodie. I love the jazzy flavor.

What is the song you share with your spouse?

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Empathy in Relationships.

I've observed this in Couple's Counseling. Once one spouse understands the other through empathizing, the other spouse's mood, demeanor and look in the eyes-changes.
Empathy is a powerful ingredient to a happy marriage. Click link below for article.

EMPATHY: The Secret Sauce to a Happy Marriage.

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"Raising Boys"

My sons are developing so fast. I recommend reading the book "Raising Boys" which has helped me so much and books on moving from one to more children. Very useful info from professionals and their samples of parents who have a wealth of experience.

In "Raising Boys" a significant chapter in the book spoke about a mother's job is to build and put courage into, until one day their relationship with you must be "put to death" for them to be free to healthy independence as men. So deep. The fact that in order for them to be well adjusted men they will need to sever the ties they experienced with the most significant people in their lives, which is opposite to raising healthy girls who need to be close and imitate you for successful adulthood. (So I am told).

These are the times that I am treasuring and enjoying, because I know I will never get them back. I can see a great friendship being built for an open communication and affection with my to be men. I have been taking tons of pictures and videos. The other day both boys were playing Minecraft, the new video game craze for viral building and viral outside survival. I overheard my oldest say, "I am awesome. I am awesome right?" His younger brother replied, "Yes you are. Am I awesome?" His older brother stated, "You are totally awesome." In the other room, couldn't stop giggling.

I have captured videos knowingly and in secret, of them swimming, chatting with friends about knowing someone in class who actually kissed a girl, dancing around the house, attempting to make a Minecraft video training, playing Ga Ga in a wooden arena with teams, outdoor BBQ with other children in church, their silly ways with 2 year old cousin, our family  trip to Florida, baby birds rescued from the bushes, my cell phone wall paper of them in front of the White House, Strings concert where oldest played the violin and their Moving Up ceremony to the next grade level.

They say when they get older they will not forget me. Giving their paychecks to me, buying me a house and stating, "When I am rich I am going to get you...." They are sweethearts but I'll just enjoy the gifts they are giving me now.

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A Revelation

I had dinner with a girlfriend of mine last week. She has been going through a lot with her husband. It's always good for you to talk to other married women and/or their husbands. You get so much out of it. What is the epic of growth is to have an opportunity to speak with the opposite sex spouse. If you have similar personalities you will get a great perspective and if they have the same personality as your spouse you will have a mecca of deep seeded insight and growth into yourself and your marriage.

Here's my revelation....As I was speaking to encourage my friend, I used and example and realized in the mist of being open I stated my flaws in my marriage. I was having an out of body experience as I was saying the words...I am argumentative. Saying how I got that way from being in that type of family setting eased the blow but did not change what I have become. Turns out her husband is like me and she has told him he should have been a lawyer.

In seconds, while she was speaking, I remember a recent incident where he did not want to resolve an issue with me for a few days and finally spoke to me about it over the phone because he said he knew he would not win. I assumed it is because he does not like conflicts not because he did not feel safe speaking with me. This was devastating. When speaking with my friend I continued to say "Poor fellow, what have I done to him". I have now taken on the responsibility of my flaws and mistakes. Vicariously she was able to find some resolutions through my story and I listened to her well, as she was a key to how I should make amends with my husband, as her personality is like his. 

Since last week I have been less argumentative because I realize if I win, I really loose. Now my mindset is to listen, "draw out", if needed and humbly loose. In the car yesterday he made a comment about my driving I forgot what I was working on and said "look at that driver, now he's the one..." My husband then stated, "Always have to have the last word." I stopped dead in my tracks and did not say another word for a while- without being angry. I think his jaw was on his knee that I did not have a come back. It was a small but big victory. Another realization is we should never forget that we are working on ourselves in a marriage, otherwise you are being set up for unnecessary conflict and possible damage.

*The saying is true: "Marriage is fun but also hard work".

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NY vs. VA

When I lived in New York I thought I had it all. Everything you need is there. There is nothing lacking....so I thought. Now that I live in Virginia not by choice, but for my husband's job, there are a few things that would have been nice to have. Virgina is the true melting pot for families. Most people come here due to their spouse's  employment opportunity. I was surprised when I came how many people from all walks of life were in the same situation, especially for government work next door in DC.

The first thing I noticed was the quietness. I could not sleep for a week. Eventually I adjusted by listening to music with my head phones on. Then things were much slower and my first impression of the people was getting lost in their color coded system for navigating the metro trains. New York of course uses a massive numbers and letters network. I remember asking a sweet young lady with her mother how to get to... she replied, "I don't work for transit." Thank God, after that incident, comments made to me by the public has changed, otherwise it would have left me with a bad first impression.  In NY I find people to be genuinely helpful.

I have heard from other sources and neighbors that working here is not easy either. It was difficult getting my current job and realized their is a cultural difference in the work place where things can become misconstrued. You have to really work on communication with those you work with. The home I live in was based on the school ratings for elementary schools with good academic standing within the neighborhood. I love that my oldest is taking violin and the little one can take a decently priced soccer course. In New York you have to fight the "system" for the rights of your children to attend a school that will positively influence them. 

One day on my way to work, I couldn't find a good radio station I liked, until I heard the family radio station 91.9 FM. In New York you can only hear family radio with christian music on Sundays for a few hours as opposed to Virginia, it's practically all day, everyday. I have enjoyed so many and it keeps me humming through the day when things get difficult. Here are two that have been on my song list. I leave you with Sidewalk Prophets, Aaron Shust, Superchick and Newsboys. Which one do you like?

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The Long Awaited Letter

I can't believe he finally did it. My Husband. He actually followed through after ten years of harassment. He is a logical thinking, mild mannered fellow and soo not into "fluff". But I need "fluff". You see it's the familiar story of romance when you're dating and as a newlywed. I'm sure you can see where I am going with this. He has the attitude of why do I need to prove my love to you, am I not taking care of our kids and doing a darn good job of it? Do I not sleep in the same bed as you, every night? Do I not pay the bills in the house? Do I not stay up to listen to you talk about work or the latest fashions? Why do you have to hear mushy words to know that you are loved by me.

I don't have an answer to this. All I know is a few simple words, wraps a ribbon around my heart, seals it with a kiss and all is right in the world. What am I talking about? Well, I have been asking my husband for a love letter for the last ten years of marriage and he would always have an excuse for why he was not able to write it. I tried reasoning with him, reminiscing on the old days, encouraging him, and simply reminding him, but to no avail. The procrastination or lack of seeing my seriousness and desperation, brought us to two weeks ago. I found something he has been looking for, for quite some time. I decided to bargain with him, a tactic I am surprised I had not used before. What did I ask for in return? You guessed it.

When he made good on his promised I cried. A release of tears for a stupid letter! I know my husband loves me but I just had to hear/read it. There is nothing like a good confirmation. I could have had friends talk to him but then it would not have been genuine. Although it took such a long time, it was so worth it. Something this simple has made me soften inside. I can't explain what this kind gesture has done. It really is the little things that mean a lot. It was a nice surprise as I didn't think it would be waiting in my email when I checked that morning.

He would freak if he knew I blogged about it! (Whisper) But here it is anyway:

My lova...

What can I say about my lova?

This thing called love is truly an ailment.
Saying she is beautiful would be an understatement.

I can't stop singing her praises because that's what she deserves.
Boy do I like driving down those curves.

I am mesmerized, she is graceful and strong.
And I have fallen headlong.

I love her skin tone and girlish figure.
For my ailments she's the curer.

I like the way she struts her stuff.
But don't be fooled, for her intellect is no fluff.

I can't wait to hold her tight.
Embrace her 'til sunlight.

She is the hand and I am the glove.
She fills my heart with hope and love.

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