NPNS-Part 2

During the workshop, helpful tips were given to bridge the gap between post-Boomers/modern parenting/friendship with children vs. helpful parenting skills from the Baby Boomer era.

Tips:
1. Parents increase your authority to make a better mix between a "friendship with child model" and solely "parenting model". Recent studies have shown when parents increase authority children increase communication with parents. This may not have worked a generation ago but it works now. It is projected that kids today want rituals, consistency and ground rules. They need it and want it as it expresses love and caring. The therapist speaker said, "Do not be afraid to say no and mean it. Do not be afraid of loosing them."
2. When doing time out for younger children realize that time outs have changed from the original definition. It has now become about the silent treatment and disconnecting rather than connecting and giving reason to the discipline.
3. New generation needs responsibility and accountability. Ex. A woman took her young child of three years old, to a late meeting and the child started becoming cranky, even crying after 9pm. The mother said in front of everyone, "Maggie, find your limits". The therapist who was not on duty at the time stated, you should take her home as she is exhausted. It did not dawn on the mother that her child should be home at that time and blamed the child for not having self control at that hour of night. The therapist stated she wanted to tell the mother to find her own limits.
4. Provide Collaboration, Co-regulation, Praise, Support and Confidentiality when working with the modern families or post-boomers. Repairing the families of the 21st century makes for innovative invention. Ex. A father and son had a disagreement. The son slammed his door and stayed in his room not wanting to talk to his lack of understanding father. The father then took out his cell phone and text his son. The son text back. They went back and forth until the son came out of his room and the dad was in front of the door. Eventually, little by little they were texting each other while standing in front of each other. They became resolved.
5. Did you know that research also shows the more praise you give to children, the less they do? When giving praise be sure to praise them for their efforts. This is more productive than to praise them because they are just wonderful. It is a powerful thing when they go against their hard wiring. Ex. a shy kid joins a group or a spirited child does a kind deed. This is when they should be acknowledged.

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Notes from Psychotherapy Networker Symposium

So you know I like to present you with the latest information on family, marriages and children. I attend all sorts of workshops and review a few great books here and there. Well as promised I went to a Psychotherapy Networker workshop at the ending of March '10. It was a three day weekend event. It was being held in DC and I was able to get in for free as my dear former Professor in Family Counseling added me and a few others on a get in free list. I won't tell you the price for the workshop as it was quite a steep fee. Now the notes to the workshop for the section on The New American Family is what I will be posting here. Hopefully it will all make sense and I hope you find something interesting within the notes. Notes were taken from two Psychotherapists (one male, one female) who have their own private practice and made observations, over time, based on their patients and families presenting problems.

The New American Family

*We are feeling more isolated. What we present publically is not who we are in private. We do not get the help we need. Instead we are in an age of videos and Facebook yet still feel lonely. There is a reason why we are shifting. It is a new paradigm. The shift is between how we were raised and how our children are raised.

*The generation of the Boomers is near over. In Boomer generation there were clear distinctions of roles. There was hierarchy. There was also a behind the curtain abuse as well. We are now moving into a better period for Post-Boomers.

*Post-Boomer Paradox-In the mid 90's, there was a different breed of casual sexual behavior with rebelliousness. Oral and Anal sex was not considered "actual sex". The definition of focus was to be able to do your homework in 45 minutes. There was a different sensibility without the hierarchy. These late 90's kids came to to the mental health professionals with their parents as "fellow travelers". There are no hierarchy of roles. Examples-both parent and child grew up on the web. A daughter who was grounded called the police on her father. A son called ACS on his parents because he could not go to a mid week concert. A daughter and mother was selling marijuana. The daughter was stealing the profits so the mother asked the psychologist what she should do. The Psychologist said poignantly, "Stealing is illegal. You should call the police".

-Part two of Notes from Psychotherapy Networker Symposium (NPNS) will be presented at the next posting.

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Random Thoughts on Conception

I was having a talk with a couple who have been trying to have a baby. She is beautiful inside and out and her husband is a great guy. They have this wonderful house with lots of room for children. The conversation is mostly one sided with her telling me about the difficulty in her conceiving. She has a hereditary illness and her doctor has recommended, after her miscarriage, for her to no longer try to conceive due to her health and possibility of dieing. She is pouring her heart out and I listen intensely as this is all she really needs.

I am moved as she tells her story with apologies to talking my ears off but a simple gesture negating her concerns, brings us back to her story. We discuss trying again vs. her health status. Then I told her about two other women as a source of inspiration and that that the human body has learned behavior not just as a part of our psyche but also in our biological make up as well. There is so much more information on Cell Memory & Organ Memory. For a more scientific articles you can see here and also here.

I remembered a couple of amazing stories of women who were pregnant several times before they became pregnant and gave birth. I believe this concept of cell memory also applies to women who are on the spectrum of the pregnancy/birth processes. I had heard of a woman who was pregnant 26 times before finally giving birth and he was expected to die but lived. He is now 7 years old. Another woman after having one son wanted another and tried to conceive up to 6 years later. Finally on a vacation in the island from causing herself stress, she became pregnant. Even in the case of a woman who had one fallopian tube and a husband with a vasectomy at 45 one can become pregnant. Perseverance mixed with great hope can make wonders. My point? I think the body is an amazing instrument. Although a miscarriage is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman, her body has learned biologically what it is made to do. Somehow for some women her inner workings need practice, training and strengthening.

As I was in sentence to suggest trying, the hopeful to be mother stated what seemed to be innate when we said simultaneously, "...it's almost as if your body is..training , becoming accustom to the process of conception and carrying...." We also discussed her health issue and is taking medicine that is resolving the medical issue she has. It was an interesting conversation that I wanted to present here. My hopeful mother left at ease and I felt very happy that she felt she had someone to listen to. Please let me know your thoughts on anything I have said as there is little information on this concept and I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks.

* Next post will be covering notes from the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium covering the Modern Day Family. Stay tuned.

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Shrek & Fiona

I was able to have my excuse for seeing yet another animated movie as my boys said, "Can we please go to see Shrek today?" Sure!" I love animated movies. I have seen so many and have three absolute favorites but I'll stick to the theme for the purpose of this post. We went to see Shrek the final chapter. It was very good in my opinion. Never a dull moment. It is definitely a Father's Day Movie as the producers were able to capture the Stress of having a family from the father's perspective. He was now a family man with all that came along with the role of Spouse/Fatherhood.

All I have to say is true love prevails in this movie even in all it's realism to true life. I so appreciate my husband so much as it gave me a "refreshed" view for all he does and the reason for our commitment together. I wish I could say more about the movie but I will not. And although this movie is about Shrek; Fiona Rocks. That's all I have to say about that. To all the Shreks; Thank you for all you do and for all the Fiona's "Rock on!"

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10 Common Mistakes Parents Make

Look what I found. I have a habit of being a pack rat with important papers. You never know when you will need this valuable information. I can't throw away my educational collection until it is at least 10 years old. I have "the goods" down to two Tupperware bins. All educational stuff. This piece, I think, is from a parenting workshop for couples.

10 Common Mistakes Parents Make

1. Inadequate Supervision-Experts have found after school hours and before dinner are peak hours for most kids to get into trouble. If in daycare make frequent unannounced visits to make sure your child is being supervised.

2. Failing to Listen-As parents we are too much in a hurry. Slow down. Observe. Especially at play time. I will add, bedtime as quality time, to hear about your child's day. You'll get to know them better.

3. Short-sighted Parenting-Allow room for growth. Let them handle problems before jumping in. Your aim is to create successful adults. They need the experience of difficult situations. Intervene to help them to solve a problem. Do not solve it for them.

4. Over Scheduling-Kids need down time as that is when they are able to create. Going from activity to activity creates stress and anxiety rather than several hours in the week (besides tv) to have unscheduled time for their own extracurricular activities.

5. Arguing in Front of Children-Children should see parents disagree. It's healthy for them to see you both have your own opinions. Marriage professionals agree that full blown arguments in front of the children is damaging behavior, especially for boys, for as they grow up, they become insensitive and un-relatable to women in a healthy way.

6. Inconsistency-Children need to feel their parents are in control. It is a part of feeling protected and safe. Children learn from inconsistent parents that whining and begging are effective tools for negotiation. When no is no, no should be no. (My tip: during these times do not feel guilty because you have made many yeses, yes. Take confidence in that, in order to make a no, no. You are being fair).

7. Ignoring Your Intuition-Do not be too trusting, of your child, or others children. Have a balance and stay in tuned with the small voice inside you, even if it is easier to just go with the flow.

8. Too Much TV-Again, experts say children spend more time looking at tv than in meaningful conversation with their children.

9. Out-of-Control Materialism-"Kids today have way too much stuff". One successful father states when his children were young he used to talk to them and find out about their day after school. Their friends used to come over as well just to talk. He found that children just need an adult to listen to them.

10. Neglecting Your Spouse-We too often make children the center of our relationships, loosing site of your couple-ship. Try to spend at least 10 minutes or more a day that the kids are aware of and know should go uninterrupted.

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Translator Please

It happens to all of us. For some reasons it seems to happen more to wives than husbands, but I could just be bias because I am a wife. But doesn't it get under your skin when your attempts to communicate with your spouse goes haywire. You don't have to be in a heated discussion either, it could be when life is at it's normal pace. Sometimes I wonder, "are there invisible creatures snatching the words from the air and disfiguring it's essence and meaning" to turn into something your spouse believes because it comes from you.

For example, one morning, we were car pooling for work. He parked the car to get something. The situation went like this:
Husband: I'm going to get some coffee, do either of you want anything? (So Sweet)
Friend: No thanks.
Me: Yes please, can you get me a red zinger tea?
Husband: Sure but last time (three days ago) they said they had no more. Would you like something else?
Me: O.k. if they do not have red zinger tea get me anything else except peppermint because I do not like peppermint tea. Whatever you get do not get me peppermint tea.
Friend: (silent)

*Husband leaves to the store while me and friend chat in the car. Husband comes back with paper bag.

Me: Thank you.
Husband: (takes tea out of the bag and hands it to me) Here you go.
Me: (smell of peppermint hits my nose) Is this peppermint tea?
Friend: (silent)
Husband: Yeah you said to get peppermint tea if they did not have red zinger.
Me: I did not say that.
Husband: Yeah, they did not have red zinger and you said whatever else, to get peppermint tea.
Me: I said whatever you do, do not get me peppermint tea because I hate peppermint tea.
Husband: I could go back and get you something else.
Me: (his niceness diffused my anger and perplexity) Forget it.
Friend: (silent)
Me: (in my mind) Translator Please.

I am sure you have a story also. I still can't believe how sure he was that he heard me say the opposite of what I expressed. There are so many scenarios of different categories of miscommunication between partners. It's no wonder that we ever really bond. This is where the true effort comes in. I once told my husband did you know...(some trivial pursuit, interesting fact). He said, "oh". I was so intrigued with the concept that I took his answer to mean wow, really? Three months later he comes to me...Honey, did you know... (the same trivial fact I told him)... that such and such just told me... isn't that amazing? I never knew that." God forgive me for laughing because it is downright funny to me that he doesn't remeber me saying it. But because it comes from someone else it is a new discovery. Translator please! I used to get bent out of shape and take it personally with the "you don't respect what I say" bit. Now I just laugh when these things happen. There was a time when miscommunication wasn't so funny. I came home with him sitting in candlelight thinking we were going to have a romantic evening. His first words resonated with me as he had told me several times but it was drowned out by my many life tasks.......and this evening he said it again, this time in a low but steady voice..."Did you pay the light bill?".... (Translator please).

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In Honor of Mother's Day

So Mother's Day is coming and I wanted to write something in honor of this special day. I was "surfing the blog scene" and saw someone who wrote about 10 of her favorite things. It was really funny. I started thinking, maybe I could write 10 of my favorite things about my mother for Mother's Day. Please feel free to take my idea and run with it as we all inspire each other. And to you, thanks for all you do. Have a Happy and Wonderful Mother's Day!

O.k., this is what I came up with:

1. I love her laugh especially when telling a good story.

2. I love that she's grown to be more affectionate. As a teenager she did not give hugs and kisses very easily. Now she can be too affectionate, but who am I kidding, I love it.

3. She literally pushed me through school and set an example for me by getting her Masters.

4. She was super supportive and said, "I know you can do it" when I failed my road test, not once but three times before I finally got my driver's license.

5 .The way she is supportive of my siblings and her two son in laws.

6. The way she was there for the birth and care of my two children.

7. She raised me and my brother alone having come from overseas; she got an apartment, a job, started school and studied for her citizenship. Today there are four of us and we reap the harvest of her sacrifices.

8. She rarely says no.

9. She uses her resourcefulness to help others, sometimes through their extreme hardships and without complaining.

10. Some people say they do not want to grow up and be like their parent. I am grown up and continue to strive to be like her as she is a beautiful woman.

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