Notes from Couple's Toolbox Workshop (1)

The Training was very good. It was mostly for those interested in helping other couples but also a learning platform for your own marriage. The opening question was how can I help this couple to lower risks and raise protective factors.

Fun

• Couples usually have angry interchanges which are hard to overcome and hard to have fun. they would rather "clear the deck" first before having fun but by then it is too late.
• Helping them to take a chance on having fun, on opening their heart, can be scary, but safe fun is part of raising the protection levels.
• Sometimes couples develop a "Desert in a marriage and what they need is an Oasis"-Dr. Fraenkel.
• Research states it is the negative patterns in a marriage that destroys the marriage. Creating positive moments counter act negative patterns. It is said that for every negative criticism you should have at least five positive things to say about/to your spouse. Dr Fraenkel believes it actually takes one criticism to destroy all the positive ones. This is because we are wired for detecting danger. Freud called it "signal danger". He gave an example of a man who felt he could say whatever nasty remarks he wanted to his wife. Yet he was shocked when his daughters spoke so disrespectfully to him. He did not tie together that they were modeling him and how negative behavior had impacted his family.

Read more...

Couples Training Workshop

It's always important to continue refreshing yourself at whatever you do. I wanted to let you know about a Couple's Training I will be attending by a former Professor of mine. He will be conducting a workshop on "The Toolbox for Couples"-key skills and ideas to prevent conflict and strengthen relationships. It will be held at the Ackerman Institute in NYC and presented by Dr. Peter Fraenkel. If you get this info too late there are other trainings throughout the year. I'll update you on Friday to let you know how it went.

Read more...

"Keepers"

An email was sent to me recently that gave me such a jolt. I was upset at my husband because he was upset at me (you know how that goes). Then I read this email sent to me by a longtime friend. The email heading was "Do It While You Can". The email told a story of a woman whose husband had died. She had discovered the meaning of the word "anymore", that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, phone calls, words of goodbye or I love you. So while you can love, care, fix and heal you should do so. It goes on to say we are all "Keepers" and that we could be the ones to go tomorrow. Would those in your life know how much you care for them?

It reminded me of of Ramon Cruz a postal worker who just helped me at the post office. He went over and beyond helping and I told him he should get a raise. He smiled and I felt such a warm vibe from him. Three weeks later I went back and a picture of him was hanging with directions to his funeral. He retired December 31st and two days later died. I was in shock and the woman behind me on line started crying as she said she knew him to be the nicest person for the last 3 years. She left the line stating she would have to come back later. The picture of him showed the same warm smile.

To all of you, you have impacted me each in so many wonderful ways. Thank you and all the best in everything you put your hands to do. And to my husband I love you more than life. I am no longer angry and can't wait till he comes home to tell him I love him. Please be inspired to do the same for someone you are thinking of.

Read more...

Mud or Stars

I am a person who keeps important paper for as long as I can. You never know when you will need the information. It is the writer in me. I can't help it. Anyway, the other day I was going through some old cards, yes I save those too. I am sentimental. I found a white index card with an encouraging message that a friend gave me during my early days of marriage. I started remembering the feelings that came back when she gave the card to me. I was having a hard time in my marriage and she said I hope this encourages you. She is a single professional who was reading a book, she never told me the title of the book, that simply put, encouraged her. She said, "I hope it will encourage you also". It was only two lines that read like this:

Two women looked through prison bars,
one saw mud the other stars.

From that time on I realized your outlook on your situation is important and up to you, not the other person. Everyone's relationship and life has problems. It's how you choose to handle them. The mental state you decide to be in makes a world of a difference. So I now pass the index card to you. "I hope it will encourage you also."

Read more...

Naughty Or Nice

Well, I do not know if you have ever heard of a Naughty or Nice Party but it is a must go for any married woman. A friend of mine (MM) hosts this event during the Christmas Holidays to inspire intimacy and closeness in marriages. This is my second of three. Usually there is a guest speaker but this time everyone put their questions in a bag and when drawn, anyone can answer or give input. It was very real as well as sobering to hear what is going on in other people's marriages. It sets a mark for normalcy as sometimes you can think you're on the verge of divorce, when you're not or just think you must be flat out going crazy.

Everyone learned something. One question was about uncomfortability in hearing her husbands struggles or lets say temptations. Such great advice was given which would be opposite of what you would think the average person would say. "You should be glad he comes to you to talk about it. When he doesn't communicate then you should worry." Also, "Do not take it personally, many men are visual, as well as can't help to look at what other women are wearing now a days, especially in the summer!" We learned that we can protect our husbands by offensive strategies, being intimate often, wearing our Secret Santa Presents from the party, lol, listing in a letter all the ways that he is wonderful, placing post its for him around your house (on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator, on the remote and tv, on the door to leave, in his car, etc.) The oldest married (CH) received a bonus gift and one of the highlights of the evening were three books. Book of Solomon's "Song of Songs", "The Five Love Languages" and a new book "The Love Dare". All were said to be absolutely amazing, a must read! I have the other two, which are amazing but will be purchasing the newest one today. I was convinced after two pages were read, that I NEED this book.

Read more...

Updating Status

A coworker showed this to me. How cool. We have come a long way in technologically, as it is hard to believe, at one time we used Horns and Trumpets for making announcements :)

1/19/10
I had to take off the You Tube Video of a couple at the alter, updating their marriage status on Facebook. The copy write of the video now belongs to the bride so I had to delete the video. It was funny.

Read more...

Destiny or Choice

I was just thinking, the person who you married was it destiny that brought you and your spouse together or did you have the freedom to choose your spouse? If it was destiny then no matter who you dated, liked, was head over heals for, hurt you, made you laugh, strongly suggested by parents, had a crush on, etc. These were just learning experiences because everything aligned to that path for when you met your significant other. Or is it the universal law, which says everyone has a choice. Love's best expression is not through force or control but by your freedom to choose. Even if you were destined to marry the person you are with now, at any moment you could have said no. Thereby, saying yes to them could have been a good choice among many choices or options.

The idea of Destiny can seem so romantic but so can choice, which would say, "out of all these people I have chosen you". What are your thoughts as this can go both ways.

Read more...