>> Thursday, October 28, 2010

You Can't Change Them...or Can You?

This is my post for today. Even if it is the anniversary issue. Changing ones spouse is one of the most popular ideas since the dawn of man. It's funny how we rarely think we should be the ones to change or even the source of the problem. It has to be the other spouse. Well I am not writing about change for ourselves because I think you have heard it all before. I want to focus on the other person for a change. Do I have your attention now? You. the other half is the secret to the change but it is not just about changing your behavior but helping your spouse to be a better them. You saw the best of them, remember? When you were dating and when you were on your honeymoon. You may be saying where has that person gone? Well, I first want to say that it was you who brought the best of them, out of them. How? You were probably much more gracious, patient, romantic, vulnerable, gentle, ambitious, kinder, etc.

They then reciprocate. Your other half is probably saying (about you), "where has that other person gone" as well. Help your other half to be better from the things you did at first. Be more supportive, less critical as you used to see no wrongs, buy or make their favorite desert and wrap it up, the way you used to. Build up their confidence if that is what they need. Study them and apply what they need. Be more consistent in kindness. In some cases do the opposite of what you have been doing. Ex. I used to talk alot around my husband. Now I say much less as I discovered he needs peace. He thrives on quietness. He gets refueled that way. Now I noticed that honestly there was a lot that I just didn't need to say. I was talking just to talk. Now I have more meaningful conversation. Make your own discoveries about your spouse by observation and stillness, then apply what you have learned. You will find that they will be a better them as they have changed, without realizing so have you.

the adviser, MHC